The Style Invitational Week 939 Doubled-up features
By Pat Myers, Published: September 29
Please Don’t Eat Miss Daisy: Hannibal
Lecter lands a job driving for a prim Southern spinster. (Peter Metrinko and
Laura Miller)
Pollyanna Karenina: “Oh, my — isn’t that
the most beautiful train?” (Brendan Beary)
From the people who brought
you the contest to combine two movie titles and describe the result: This week:
Combine two movie titles and describe the result, as in the examples above from
the Losing entries of Week 610 in 2005. You can see previous winners here, so
you don’t make the loser move of sending in the same entries. As in the first
example, the titles don’t need to have the exact word in common; what’s
important is that it’s clear which two films are combined. (Unless it’s been
fixed by the time you read this, Bob Staake’s cartoon appears as a li’l ol’
thing on this page; here’s a bigger view.)
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, appropriately, the
sequel to a previous prize: “More Chinglish,” more comically mis-translated or
overly literal English-language signs found in China. (On a train: “Please
count on the spot the money thing.” Warning sign: “If you are stolen, call the
police at once.”) Donated by Kevin Dopart.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.
10; results published Oct. 30 (Oct. 28 online). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week, a limit that would have perhaps kept the Empress from having
to read more than 4,000 entries to this contest the first time around. Include
“Week 939” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include
your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest
rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Chris Doyle;
this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Barbara Turner.
Report from Week 935, in which we asked, in the aftermath of the Virginia
earthquake and Hurricane Irene, for poems about some natural event. As
befitting a contest about disasters, most among the flood of entries were at
least semi-catastrophic. But there were lots of worthies as well, including
some lengthy efforts that appear only online.
The winner of the Inker
Irene, a swirling hurricane,
was headed up the East,
So residents prepared to
weather out the wind and rain.
The grocery stores were
emptied as all peace and calmness ceased,
For mobs were looting
businesses from Florida to Maine.
In Washington, however,
politicians in their seats
Just steamed and stewed, till
one spoke up: “Though I don’t wish to fuss,
These people, for a
hurricane, will swarm and flock the streets,
So why don’t our constituents
react that way for us?” (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
2. Winner of the DemocraTea tea bags with cartoons of
world leaders:
The Mid-Atlantic drowns in
rain, while Texas broils infernal.
You’d think that Mother
Nature would be slightly more maternal. (Nan Reiner,
Alexandria, Va.)
3.Let’s pray for a rainstorm,
Urged
Governor Perry.
Was that a great brainstorm?
God snickers. Not very. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
4. Humpty Dumpty sat on a
ridge
Just this
side of Memorial Bridge.
The earthquake struck, like a
little bomblet,
And Humpty Dumpty became an
omelet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Writers on the storm: Honorable mentions
Augustily lustily,
Vesuvius shot off
In 79
In a plot
to disrupt us.
The dust baked the populace,
Archaeologically
Capturing some folks
In coitus
eruptus.
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax
Station, Va.)
San Francisco, 1989
World Series earthquake
Leaves fans
running for cover.
One strike and they’re out.
(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
’Bout threescore million
years ago
(Well, give or take a few),
The dinosaurs that roamed the
Earth
Became extinct (it’s true).
The dust cloud from a meteor
Had ravaging effects:
A dearth of food (and sadly,
too:
Tyrannosaurus
sex). (Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
A warning from God or from
Allah, or was it
A strange
Mayan calendar moment of fate?
Sorry, for me, the seismology
does it:
It’s just a tectonic
adjustment, mid-plate. (Courtney Knauth, Washington)
I hope that there will never
be
A stronger
earthquake in D.C.
D.C. with services hard-prest
To pass a snow removal test;
D.C. where Pepco users pray
For power to stay up today;
D.C. that may in summer wear
West Nile
mosquitoes in her hair.
If you must shake up fools
like me,
Please, God, no more than
5.3.
(Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Tropical Storm Lee
After “Gunga Din”
Why is it the hurricane
Doesn’t hurry in the main?
It mocks its own
potentiality;
Gail was just a gale,
And Hope moped on to fail,
Till this year and the storm
they named for me.
Oh it was Lee, Lee, Lee!
You soggy, squalling,
sacrilegious Lee!
You did me proud, you did,
You rained in buckets, kid,
We’re all the wetter —
thanks, Disastrous Lee!
(Lee Ballard, Mars Hill,
N.C., a First Offender)
That Sinking Feeling
That storm Irene dealt me a
blow:
My bank account’s much
tauter.
Alas, my mortgage and my car
Are now both underwater.
(Mel
Loftus, Alexandria, Va.)
Mirthquake
I never thought I’d hear it;
I feared ’twas not my fate.
But one hot day in August,
“The earth moved!” cried my
date. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
When all the levees busted up
and flooded New Orleans,
They say it was an “act of
God.” I wonder what that means?
Was God a mere performer who
was cracking some sick joke?
Was God just putting on a
show the day the levees broke?
I’ve thought a lot about it
yet I still can’t figure out,
When God “acts,” why do all
His roles involve a flood or drought?
The only moral that my brain
is currently extracting:
God should find a new career
at once and give up acting. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills,
N.Y.)
Virginia’s for lovers
Who need a cold shower.
And here my verse ends
’Cause we
just lost our (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Global warming’s
an obvious hoax —
Bad
science and make-believe drama.
But, folks, if
it’s true, holy smokes!
It’s God telling
us, “Vote out Obama!”
— M. Bachmann,
Stillwater, Minn. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Disasters by the Score
The quake: 5 point 8.
Irene: Category 1.
Pepco power: None. (Jason
Dorpinghaus, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)
Say “Tohoku,” her hands
become clammy.
Tammy terribly fears a tsunami.
She predicts: “We’ll all
drown!
Waves will pound my
hometown!”
(Though she‘s living in north
Alabamy.) (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.)
Religious folks from all
around
Our state, the Old Dominion:
Catholics, Buddhists,
Muslims, Jews
Lutherans and Quakers,
When the earthquake threw
them to the ground,
Were all of one opinion:
It was a shock to learn the
news:
Virginia is for Shakers.
(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.; note the unusual ABCD-ABCD rhyme scheme)
Rollin’ Into Rockaway
Shall I compare thee to a giant
fart,
Irene? For such indeed thou
art.
How foul thy blast, which
struck full force our shore,
And now my home, Chez
Goldblatt, is no more.
Alack! I heeded not great
Bloomberg’s warning.
Instead, I sat outside,
beneath the awning
Used once for shade, while
napping on the deck.
“A little wind,” I thought. “Hey, what the heck!”
’Tis neither that my garments
all are rent,
Nor that my sole abode is but
a tent
That taxeth my reserves
beyond endurance.
I clean forgot to pay the
damned insurance. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
Krakatoa
Is no moa. (Mae Scanlan)
A Double Shot of Moonshine
“Blue Moon,” it’s true, has naught to do
With feelings
sad, nor lunar hue.
No way the
phrase portrays the craze
Of baring
boyhood cheek or two.
It’s when at last it comes to
pass,
Two full moons in one month
amass.
And late next year, – Wait!
Did I hear
You ask, “Who gives a
rodent’s ass?” (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
High life for Romans! Pompeii
was for living!
None heeded omens of blast
unforgiving,
Years after quaking, Vesuvius
building,
Growing and waking to smother
the gilding.
Heat would benumb this, the
masses were punished;
Pummeled with pumice,
Pompeiians were none-ished. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
Huffity, puffity,
Irene and Isabel,
Blustery sisters who
Made quite
a show.
Raced up the Chesapeake,
Bearing the lesson that,
Incontrovertibly,
Hurricanes blow. (Nan Reiner)
Anti-Invitational (an undisastrous disaster) :
A catastrophe caused by a
tilt
And compounded by feelings of
guilt
Came at breakfast today
With the tears of dismay
That were shed for the milk I
had spilt. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
And from a college English
instructor, a 39-line verse form perhaps better suited to a mathematician — a
mathematician with a lot of time on his hands:
“Irena Sestina”
I drove slowly to the rear
of the CVS, cursing the dark
screen of the busted Redbox. Shaking
it hadn’t helped. My DVD, “Cold
Mountain,” was now late and
wet.
I was going to rent “The
Bridges
of Madison County, or maybe a Jeff Bridges
flick. What a pain in the rear.
Irene whipped her long, wet
lashes of rain across my dark
minivan. I was soaked and cold,
watching roadside banners shaking
and traffic lights swaying. Shaking
off my urge to burn late-fee bridges
and go straight home for a cold
one, I drove across town, watching the rear
view mirror as the sky turned dark.
“Hold Back the River” by Wet
Wet Wet
poured 1989 through the speakers: a wet
year indeed. Hugo left South Carolina shaking,
and The Quake left Loma Prieta in the dark.
I know engineers checked all
the bridges
after Mineral shook us up, but I rode the rear
of the car ahead as I crossed one. A cold
glance from the Redboxers waiting in the cold
Wal-Mart entryway tossed a
wet
blanket on my in-and-out plan. To the rear
of the line I went, shaking
the case to the beat of Tracy’s “Bridges.”
Before the generators kicked
on, everything went dark.
No doubt — if I made it home
— the house would be dark.
The shower I’d meant to take
would be cold.
Crap! Chicken in the freezer!
Cross those bridges
later, I thought. I stripped my wet
clothes in the front hall, shaking
soaked pants from my ankles, covering my rear
with “The Big Lebowski.” I was cold and wet,
but cool (Bridges, man!), shaking
up a White Russian in the dark. Irene could kiss my
rear.
(Amanda Yanovitch)
Next week: Hoho Contendere, or Ha Propos